One usually finds a certain calm, a certain philosophical way of life, a more serene lifestyle as they age or at least that seems to be the ideal stereotype for some. I imagine it would or should be for me as well. I already find myself imparting “advice” to the youngens at work where they either politely listen or simply humor me.
At home, however, in my 40s, with both kids in their double digits, I often encounter the kind of attitude I would never have put my own parents through, at least not at this young an age. Sure, I had my wild teenage years which were especially difficult on my mother – somehow I seemed to save my worst self for her – oh so much of regret on that – discussion for another day…but for now, I am seemingly always in shock at the way my children sometimes talk to me and their father. They are rude, obnoxious, and just plain disrespectful. I reprimand them as necessary and call them out on their words and behaviors and sometimes, we even punish them by taking something away or sending them to their rooms.
I did not grow up in the US so this method of “gentle” parenting or putting up with disrespect is not the norm – not saying it is in the US, BUT, children are taught to be independent thinkers and speak their minds which is a great thing and I definitely encourage that in my kids. It is when these same strengths get turned on their backs and against their own parents that we seem to have a problem. What do we say now? “Shut up and do as I say,” “I don’t care what you think, you are not doing that”, “No, you definitely have to read 30 minutes a day because….well because you just have to, because I told you so, because it is the right thing to do, because it is the best way to spend time after school at home….insert whatever reason you want here.
Are we becoming so friendly with our kids that they forget we are their parents first? Do parents care so much for the approval of their children that they purposely develop a laissez-faire parenting style? What is the answer here?
Yesterday, I had a painful much needed outpatient medical procedure done and both kids knew I was in pain all evening…yet, neither of the kids asked me how I was doing this morning. If it was my mother, I would have fussed over her the entire evening and in the morning, would have asked her a hundred times if she was doing well, if there was something I could do to help her in any way…with both my kids, nothing. They just got ready and went to school….just an ordinary day. How did I fail so badly at parenting? At raising kind children who cared about others?
Is my fear more for my old age, not being able to rely on my children during my twilight years or really just about failing to raise them to be good human beings? Am I the selfish one in thinking of the fact that they did not think of ME?
When will I learn the essence of Khalil Gibran’s poem below…
Kahlil Gibran’s “On Children”
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you, but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love, but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies, but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
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